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Am I Insane?

Posted by Allison on January 13, 2012

Rhetorical question.

I’m aware that I’m not technically insane.  At least I’m pretty sure.  I mean I’ve never been diagnosed.  But there is nothing like marriage to make you question whether you are in fact nuts.  Then you go through a separation and let me tell you, if you didn’t think you were crazy before, nows the time.  Then heap on top of it that you’re going through a separation and living in the abode and wowza!  Nutball city.  I was reading yesterday how Courtney Cox and David Arquette are best friends.  She was saying how proud she was of him and his year of sobriety.  And then Debra Messing is currently dating her costar and living with her husband who she is separated from as they ‘transition into the next phase of their lives”.  Now I recognize that the people who release the statements have gone to school for years to properly draft the ‘right’ thing to say at times like these but it still makes me wonder.  Is it possible to have a cordial separation?  I was married to one of my best friends.  Seriously enjoyed spending time with my spouse.  We didn’t have a perfect solid marriage but the question of whether I loved him and trusted him was not in my mind at all.  I just did.  I remember back when we decided to get married, I told one of my good friends that I may not know the future but I knew to the core of my being the my soon to be spouse would never betray me.  That he would never cheat on me.  It was the one thing I was sure of.  The fact is when I made that statement he was already cheating.  Nice eh?  But in order for us to get to an amicable place and live in harmony, I’m suppose to not bring that up, not mention it.  It’s ‘digging up the past’ as it were.  Does it piss me off?  oh yes!  Do I still have questions as to why?  Why marry me if you already knew you didn’t want to?  Why agree to have the baby with me if you didn’t want to?  If you already had a kid that you didn’t want more why have another?  The questions are endless and I’ll never have answers.  For someone who loves answers this is quite hard but I KNOW that what I want is peace and I won’t get peace if I keep turning these questions over and over in my head.  So I let them alone.  BUT now after 10 years of begging someone to be “all in” in a marriage, now that I have said enough I’m walking away before he kills what’s left of my self worth NOW he wants to tell me every single thing I did wrong.  For 10 years, nothing.  Now I get to hear over and over the many things I did wrong.  Not back when I did them and I could either correct the behavior or explain the behaviour but now, when it’s just to inflict pain.  Constantly bringing up the many faults I had, the many times I said the wrong thing, the many hurts I inflicted…over and over again.  Living with this is making staving off depression almost impossible.  Even things that seem so logical and clear to me are murky now.  We as a couple make a decision to homeschool.  We pull our youngest out of public school for a year.  We both are aware that will mean sacrifices for everyone involved.  I can’t work, I can’t just run out in the day and meet for coffee.  It’s a huge commitment that we both made.  But here’s the part I don’t get.  I made that commitment believing that I would be married to my supportive TEACHER spouse who would defend the decision no matter what.  But HE made the decision knowing that he was living a lie, that at any moment his life of deceit could come to the surface and yet he still made it.  And now I have to live with the constant threat that he may not live up to his end of the bargain.  That the people in his life are telling him it’s ‘not fair’, that they can’t believe I’m not working.  So now on top of everything else guess who’s going to work nights if she has to, so that she can keep the commitment to her children.  Because I can’t back out of what I told my children, no matter what.  But  you know what’s NOT FAIR????  Having the rug pulled out from your life by a person who couldn’t tell the truth with a gun to their head.   That’s what isn’t fair.

Song for the day…

5 Responses to “Am I Insane?”

  1. OMG…I find myself reading this and thinking ‘seriously?’

    Well, let’s start by saying that *spouse* gave up all rights to play the ‘that’s not fair’ card when he decided to live a seperate life. He can’t believe you’re not working? Wow. I can’t believe that he went ahead and lied/cheated/wronged you from day 1. Doesn’t matter if he didn’t want the child, he did his part with his *part* so now he’s committed to the entire lifelong event called CHILDREN.

    I’m finding myself feeling that anger that burned within me for so long, so many years ago when I went through my divorce.

    You go ahead and vent anytime you want, this is YOUR blog.

    He doesn’t want to hear the word CHEATED. Well, I think it’s fair to say, you never thought you would be SAYING the word.

    Much love to you my friend ♥

    • Allison said

      This is the fourth rewrite of a blog post for today. If you can believe it this is the one on the other side of furious but I can’t keep it inside, my blog is the only real outlet that makes me feel better about things. So, I either hold everything inside, drive my friends crazy repeating the same thing over and over or I write. I chose to write.

  2. Kristin said

    “You know what’s NOT FAIR???? Having the rug pulled out from your life by a person who couldn’t tell the truth with a gun to their head. That’s what isn’t fair.”

    Hang in there. I wish I could come and help out. I wish I could do or say something to ease the pain.
    Like Kimberly said, he gave up any “rights” in the marriage not just when he cheated but when he covered it up and lied
    and then did it again and again over many many years. Fuck him.

    I think you have every right to spousal support for the decisions made together as a family and
    he has NONE – ZIP – ZILCH – ZERO.

    Shoulders here as you need ’em.

  3. This reminds me so much of what my mother went through with her divorce, of me and my siblings had to deal with. I am really keeping my fingers crossed for you and your kids because I really do know the pain that you are all going through.

  4. Maureen said

    Jesus Jenny, Ally, what the hell?? Are you FOLLOWING my life without knowing it? I’d ask how the heck you’re doing, but I see — er, read it. If that doesn’t suck all, I don’t know what does, except maybe….ME TOO!!! 30 years in the institution and OUT! That was 2009. We’re STILL going at it cuz THAT guy just doesn’t get why HE should have to pay support. So what that I stayed (mostly) home and raised his three offspring. So what that I put any career of mine on the back burner so he could finally be the big-shot pilot flying (and screwing?) all over the world. He doesn’t think it’s FAIR that he should have to give me ANYTHING! And HE’S such a douche bag that he could have gotten away with a LOT less before my lawyer talked some sense into me. I love it when they think the rules and laws just DON’T apply to them.

    So hey, I’m really sorry about your current situation. I totally feel your pain, even though on my side my kids were ‘done,’ as it were. I also hear about how all these former marrieds are friends. Gag me. The best advice I ever got was QUIT HAVING ANY CONTACT WITH HIM. You can hang up the phone, refuse conversations, close the door, etc. You simply DON’T have to engage. It’s a beautiful thing.

    Where are you living now? Are you back home? I moved to Florida away from my hometown of 28 years because I just got tired of feeling like everyone was talking about me. I closed my yarn shop last August (((SOB))), lost my house, filed bankruptcy and picked up and left. I’m starting over down here where nobody knows my name (mostly cuz I changed it back to my OWN name, har har).

    There’s more to the story, but I just wanted to let you know…I’M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK! My old blog avillageknitiot is now http://www.liviknit.com. You’ll see that I’m with someone new. That’s a long story for another time. Just remember to keep your sense of humor (how could you not?) and it WILL get better every day. And frankly, the further you are away from it, the more clear a lot of shit seems from when you were in the middle of it.

    (((CYBERHUGS)))

    Meau (formerly A Village Knitiot)

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