Forever A Cupid

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It always feels like somebody’s watching me.

Posted by Allison on December 6, 2011

 

The upside of writing a blog for me is that I get my emotions sorted in a way that just thinking about them or talking with friends doesn’t.   Something about the thoughts in my head being ‘out there’ is like therapy for me.  I’ve unsuccessfully kept a journal before in my life I think it’s the fact that someone is ‘listening’ that keeps me writing my blog.  It’s a way to feel heard.  I don’t feel heard in my everyday life and I think this is why I love blogging.   I enjoy that fact that I’ve connected with people.  In good times and bad there are people literally all over the world who are nodding in agreement with what I say.  There are also others shaking their heads in stunned amazement, I like that idea too.  Of course what this also means is that I assume that the people in my life know things just because I’ve written it on my blog.  Nothing as embarrassing as the uncomfortable silence that is met when I say ‘oh I wrote about that on my blog’ and coming to the realization that I’m not the center of someone else’s daily internet reading experience.  The downside to all this is of course there are people who read my blog that if I think about it too long it makes me uncomfortable.   I don’t care about people in my life knowing my inner most thoughts, I really don’t.  My mother in law reads my blog and I always get a kick out of it when she embarrassingly says “I saw that on your blog”.  She used to be very shy about the fact that she read it, I think it’s awesome that she reads it quite frankly.  My mother reads my blog but now that we’re home probably not as frequently as when she was missing us and we were away.  Plus if the icon disappears from her desk top her ability to find it is gone because clearly it’s disappeared FOREVER, or until someone comes over and  puts it back.  The fact is if you KNOW me and chose to read my blog you are well aware that I’m going to say some outrageous things.  Reading on my blog isn’t going to introduce you to a new person completely different from the one you see and talk to in real life.  In fact most people who know me say when they read my blog it sounds just like I’m saying the stuff to them.  I write how I talk.  And complete strangers who read my blog is a positive.  The narcissist in me loves the idea of strangers knowing my inner most thoughts.  I like to think that there are people out there either being helped by what I write or that they are somehow an army of people “on my side” in silent camaraderie.  No the thing that kind of gives me the heebie jeebies about blogging are the people on the periphery that read it.  I’ve often wondered if my (first) ex-husband read my blog (yes I’ve had two marriages crash and burn, judge away bitches!), I doubt it because he’s one of those people that makes a big fuss about how “facebook is evil” so I’m thinking his internet usage is probably limited to bible verses and porn.  I know my current ex-to-be reads my blog but I try not to make it a “letter to the jackass” in a way that sure can be oh so tempting.  I don’t write anything because I KNOW he’s reading and I don’t NOT write something because I know he’s reading.  For awhile there was one woman who used to read my blog and then use it to threaten him so I stopped writing a lot of things thinking that I was some how ‘protecting’ him.  Then I realized that quite frankly I don’t care and if she wants to stalk and threaten him that’s her drama, not mine.  She stopped quite awhile ago but I always had the impression she was still reading.  And by impression I mean that I can tell what city people are reading my blog from and I jump to the conclusion that it’s her whenever someone from her city reads a post, it’s her.  Yes that’s unreasonable, maybe I need to start promoting my blog so that I have so many readers I don’t have time to check on individual reader stats. I also realized that I don’t live my life in secret, it’s not who I am.  I was trying to make it work after the finding out the big secret so I did delude myself into believing that I had to keep his secrets.  Then I found out about all the cheating and all that “logic” went out the window.

Now I just write what the fuck I want.  Blogging for me is about MY truth.  My life as I know it is the fricking NAME of the blog.  Yes it means I get backlash but that’s ok.  To be true to me I have to write like I live, in my own truth.  It means that I am exposing myself and my naked underbelly.  It’s a healing process for me.  It also means that if there are people out there reading my blog that make me kind of squishy on the inside at the thought of it, oh well.  The least all those peripheral people who read and judge could do is write a comment cause all us bloggers know, it’s all about the comments.

Thankfully, there is a bluntcard for every occasion!

 

6 Responses to “It always feels like somebody’s watching me.”

  1. Viajera said

    I do read your great blog and I have some of the same squeamishness about exposing my underbelly. I like your thoughts about the “healing” effect of blogging, and I really agree. Keep up the good work.

  2. Theresa said

    Even if I don’t comment often, I’m here lurking and reading! 😉

  3. Allison said

    oooo upside, more comments! I love it! (oh and you aren’t who I meant but keep the comments coming, I’m feeling kind of down and comments=love)

  4. Cori said

    I HEAR YOU. totally get it. totally.
    we need another wine night.
    for real.
    🙂

  5. I’m reading…NOT judging…more of relating. Your stories make me laugh, take me back to bad times in my life and make me feel stronger 🙂 Keep it the way it IS..YOUR blog and YOUR truth. I wouldn’t want to read if it were like everyone elses!

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