Ch-ch-ch-changing…..

So remember how I said I was going to start changing my style? Yup. I have truly started. I am loving me. I have always wanted to have a better personal style I’ve just never had the guts. I would love to say it was financial or because of my ex (it’s nice to blame him for everything but really except for the cheating he really isn’t a complete douche) but that wouldn’t be honest, it’s all me. I have lacked the confidence in me to really explore my own style. I’ve never really been comfortable in my own body and now I am. We can all pretend that it’s some huge self realization and that I’ve grown as a person who is all self actualized but that would be such bullshit. The fact of the matter is I have an fantastic partner. My Cowboy loves my body so much it has made me reexamine how I feel about my own body. This is a man who seriously GROWLS when I walk by him in a room. I can not walk passed Cowboy without him reaching out an grabbing me. He is in love with every curve on my body. And in turn I am now in love with every curve of my body. This man WANTS me. Not a little bit but completely. So yeah if you’re wondering why I always have such a huge smile on my face, that is why.  Well that and the sex.  Lots & lots of sex.  Anyway,  now I feel amazing about my own body. I’ve stopped hiding it under bulky clothes, I’ve stopped wearing just grey. I have decided that loving my body is in fact, easier than hating it. There are a few other things that have changed my outlook. I belong to an online community of Curvies who only speak positively about themselves and their bodies. I can now look in the mirror and say “damn i look amazing”. And I’ve learn a VERY important lesson, when you dress your body well and feel good in the right size clothing you then FEEL better about yourself and your body. You carry yourself better, you feel more confident and in turn you look more attractive and you look sexier. This then results in my partner grabbing me even more…it’s a win/win.
So what’s new in my closet? Well I bought a dress and a few shirts off a style icon. Okay she’s not really a style icon she’s a new friend that I met in my online group who has a clothing trade group for curvy girls. I stalked her for a bit and realize that she has the coolest personal style. Then she listed a dress that made my heart stop. So I bought it. A dress I would normally see and think “oh i can’t pull that off” instead I bought it and I LOVE it. I don’t even care if no one else does, it’s 100% adorable and it’s all mine. She also sent along a few other pieces and there started my new closet. I know I need some staple pieces and so on the recommendation of the great Brittany Herself, I bought a denim dress from Old Navy. To bump up to free shipping (still a tightwad) I also bought a beautiful navy striped wrap dress from ON that is DA BOMB. At the same time one of my fellow group members told me about a store called EShakti. Such a great premise. You order clothes and you can customize EVERYTHING. You put in your exact measurements and the dress is made for you and sent to your door. Want a cap sleeve then you can customize any dress to have a cap sleeve. Ok, um….side note, can we just agree that NO ONE looks good with a cap sleeve except Jillian Michaels and little girls with stick arms. I’m 44 years old and a size 14/16 on top.  Designers, stop making cap sleeves in my size, they look all cute on the hanger or in pictures but you know and i know when I put those babies on I will look ridiculous. Stop making them…But anywhoo that was just an example, you can change to any type of sleeve you want. You can change the length, whether or not you want pockets. Just about anything. AND it’s decent prices. My first purchase with all the adjustments, shipping 15% off special pricing was under 50 bucks. For a fully customized dress. What the fuckity fuck? How did I not know about this possibility before? It’s my new favourite website. I will have a closet full of their dresses by the time summer hits.

^^^Look!  COLOUR!! ^^^

So from a closet full of grey to a colour wardrobe that better reflects who I am as a person and how I feel about myself. Such a fun goal and I’m having a hell of a lot of fun getting to know who I am what looks good on my beautiful sexy body.

 

* this picture is from today…no shower, no make-up but too damn excited to wait to try on my FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC new dress.

We Need to Talk….

“We need to talk.”

Nothing strikes fear into a relationship like those four little words.  Many a couple has been brought down by that simple statement.  I swore up and down that I would rather stay single than be in a relationship where I was unable to communicate open and honestly with my partner.  I hadn’t had that before..the middle of the night conversations about the hard topics that can end in hurt feelings and misunderstandings.  Those conversations that need to be said but most couple avoid out of fear that they will ‘stir things up’.  I wanted those.  No, I CRAVED those.  I figured that if I wasn’t going to get to be 100% myself then why bother with a relationship at all.  I could settle for getting my superficial needs met by dating and not give a toss about having to deal with the day to day bullshit that a relationship entails.  So a win/win.   But then I met this guy.  You know the dude.  I heart him so much.  I understand why people roll their eyes when I talk about all the amazing things that my Cowboy does for me.  He’s a remarkable man who treats me with such respect and love it’s hard to believe he’s real.  But he could stop all that today.  The flowers, the crazy amounts of food, the treats from the states.  He could stop all the superficial spoiling because he does one thing.  What?  Well last night I had an issue. It’s an issue of communication when he’s on the road.  It wasn’t a big deal but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.  I get nervous bringing up things that might upset him.  NOT because of him, I realize now but because I have my own baggage.  In my other relationships me bringing up an issue would result in a huge blow up.  “oh i’m a terrible person” or “I guess I just suck as a mate” or “well I did that because you did this”.  Not with Cowboy.  He listened quietly and then said “I’m sorry, I didn’t know I was doing that.  I’ll try to remember but could you point it out to me next time I do it so I know what you’re talking about?” and then he said “you know I hate hurting your feelings, right?”.  And that ladies and gentlemen is why no matter where we end up in this crazy life I will end up next to this crazy Cowboy.  Cause no one does understanding and communication like him.  And THAT is worth more to me than any flowers or presents he could possibly give me.

 

 

Plus when he’s home he lets me take silly pictures of us even when he’s super tired and has been stuck in the truck up north in 28 below zero with no phone.

 

 

 

Luckiest girl on the planet.  No lie.

Help the needy….

So I love my Cowboy.  He’s a rockstar in so many ways.  Our dryer broke the other day and before you could blink he had that son of a bitch in a million pieces, found the broken fuse thing a ma bob and had it up and running.  THAT my friends is dead sexy.  All my life I’ve gone for the intellectual conversationalist with a dry and witty sense of humor.  Turns out those guys can’t usually hold a screw driver without almost putting an eye out.  But a Cowboy truck driver who not only doesn’t care about the difference between there, their and they’re but will roll his eyes and say “darlin’ I can’t imagine why that matters even a little bit” when I go off on some spelling error as I’m reading facebook.    Yeah, that guy?  He’ll  jump on the roof and fix all that is broken in your house without breaking a sweat.   Now maybe that’s a huge generalization but it’s what i’ve found in my short and varied experience with men.  I think men in the Olden Days used to be more well rounded.   They learnt how to do shit with their hands more.

However.

There is an area that my dear sweet man fall far short.  I think we all remember the mutton chop fiasco that was his attempt at beard growing.  No?  Well when I met dear Cowboy he was sporting what can only be described as an ‘unfortunate’ beard/mustache combo.  He also owns a collection of Harley Davidson t-shirts that is envied the world over.  Envied by whom I have no idea but that can be the only answer as the dude has HUNDREDS of them.  So the other day as I was looking at my beloved Cowboy as he stood at the door I was pretty happy.  There he stood with a collared flannel workshirt, a vest and long leather jacket.  He had on dark denim and a pair of black cowboy boots.  Topping off the outfit was a black cowboy hat.  He looked frickin’ gorgeous and I told him so.  His response?  Oh darlin’ I’ve always dressed like this!  Um what?  No.  No. No.  I DID THIS!  YOU were a cheap bugger who just bought anything in bulk that you thought looked ‘cowboyish’.   You saw nothing wrong with buying $10 light denim jeans at Walmart because they fit and were TEN DOLLARS.  I classed you up you crazy Cowboy.  Do not make me go all crazy on your ass.  And by crazy I mean post proof positive on my blog so others can laugh and judge you from afar.

Here is what my sweet man looks like NOW after we had the conversation about how I don’t want to change him per se but that he needed to spend a little bit on his clothes so he didn’t look homeless.  This look makes me go weak in the kness and is likely to have me rippin’ a Cowboy’s clothes off before we can get out the door.

This is the shirt he was trying to convince me was a dress up shirt that would be completely acceptable going out with me and my friends.

This is (WAS) his FAVOURITE dress shirt.  And YES the horses go all the way around for maximum effect.  Oh and it’s short sleeved.  He had the decency to look at least a tad ashamed when he asked if this would work for a function we were attending.

All that is wrong in the world can be described in this sweatshirt. What i’m not going to go to the mall with you while you wear a grey crew neck sweatshirt with a bull on it?  I’m as shocked as you are!

So yes, he is dressing exactly as he did before we met, if by exactly you mean not at all.

A Cowboy, yoga pants, Walmart and balls of steel.

As requested here is the story of how I met my Cowboy.  It’s funny, so many people say ‘when you stop looking’ or ‘when you least expect it’ but no one actually believes all that bullshit.  But it is true, in this case it is so very very true.  Look here’s my boyfriend!  i love him, such a cutie!

So I was sitting in my basement suite with my 2 kids, I was happy and I was grateful that I had been out of my year of hell.  Living with the ex had been extremely painful and I knew that I had turned a corner.  I wasn’t lonely, I had my kids and I lived with one of the bestest friend a girl could ask for….BUT, there’s always a but isn’t there….BUT I wanted more.  i wanted to date.  I had started doing a little online dating and let me tell you, it was a big fat “meh”.  I had met a few guys but nothing earth shattering.  I didn’t necessarily think I was ready for a relationship but I was ready to be treated like a woman instead of a Mom.

Anyway, one day I was sitting with the kids and they really wanted to have a ‘movie night’.  I wasn’t really in the mood but what can you do.  And it was more than ‘not in the mood’ I was actually quite down.  So down in fact that I said we could go to Walmart but I wasn’t changing out of my pajama pants.   The ONLY reason that I finally changed from pajama pants to black yoga pants was the look of utter horror on my kids faces.   So off we went.  We weren’t in Walmart 10 minutes when I started to feel better.  We were going up and down the aisles laughing and having a good time.  I remembered that I wanted to see a Keurig coffee maker but I had just passed the aisle so I did a quick turn around.  That is when I first say the Cowboy.  He was coming up behind us and because I stopped short he was startled.  He sort of ran into an aisle and knocked some items over.  I made some weird joke about it and off we went.  I mean I noticed him, but nothing major.  As we went through the huge Walmart I saw him a few more times.  I notice what he was wearing.  I noticed that he was CLEARLY single (acid wash pants and a bad cowboy mustache/beard thing that no woman would agree to) and I noticed that he had the kindest blue eyes.

(this is us on the road to Thunder Bay we smile a LOT when we’re together cause we are both so damn happy!)

When we were finally over at the DVDs looking for a movie there he was again.  I was teasing and chatting with the kids when he said to me “you seem like you would be a lot of fun”.  I replied “oh yes!  I am!”.  I thought that was it.  I was a little flirty but I was with my kids in the middle of Walmart so no more than normal.  After getting some  hor d’oeuvres for the night we headed to the check out.  To be completely on the up and up I did see him in the next check out and purposely didn’t go to that one. You see I didn’t want to look desperate or like I was trying to pick up some random dude in the Walmart.  ( i mean REALLY who does that?) So I went to the one next to his.  I put the items on the conveyor belt and waited to pay, chatting with the kids while trying not to stare at the back of the dude’s head.   Did I mention that he had on a REALLY bad white cowboy hat?  Sheesh.  Clearly no woman in this guys life. And the mustache…soooooo bad.  Anyway, as I stood there he was finished paying for his items and was about to leave.  Oh well, there goes THAT opportunity, right?  And then it happened.  This weirdly dressed Cowboy with the kindest eyes just walked up to me, gave me a piece of paper and said “i hope to hear from you sometime’ and walked out of Walmart.  I stood there for a second with  my mouth hanging open.  Then I looked at the cashier in shock.  Then I looked at the two old women in line behind me in shock.  For the first time in 44 years I was completely speechless.  The cashier looked at me and said “did that just happen?”  We all laughed.  My kids were in shock, mostly my daughter who could NOT believe that someone (anyone) would find her old mom worthy of such a huge pick up.  Ha ha.

When we got to the car I read the piece of paper, it simply read his name and his phone number.  My daughter told me, “mom, even if you don’t go out with that guy you HAVE to call cause man, that took BALLS”.   How right she was….and how glad I am that I called.  That first night we spent hours on the phone.  Over the next while that Cowboy from Walmart wined and dined me.  He bought me flowers and made me dinners.  He took me out and he did everything in his power to make sure I knew all about him.  He heard my story and understood that the most important thing he could do is allow me to get to know him.  Trust is my number one issue and what I got from my cowboy was nothing but an open book.  Any question I asked, he answered.  No matter how difficult the questions were he was 100% honest.

And THAT is how I met my Cowboy.  Even now I get butterflies when I see him come in the room. Every time he comes off the road I am excited and thrilled that he is coming home to ME!  And once a week since the very first week we met I get a phone call from the florist saying “hi it’s the florist are you home for your delivery?”.  yes, every week since we’ve been together this sweet, strange, funny Cowboy sends me a bouquet of flowers.  Here are the flowers that arrived for me today!

Lucky? yes!  Spoiled? yes! And guess what?  I totally deserve this shit.   If you have any doubt let me refer you back a couple of summers.  Trust me, I KNOW how fortunate I am.  I am beyond grateful that this awesome Cowboy took all his courage and wrote his number on a little slip of paper in the middle of Walmart.

Ok seriously NEXT post is about our cross country trip to Thunder Bay…..maybe….

what is love?

So I have always sucked at love. I know it and now because of recent events in my life the world knows it.  I write this blog from the bottom of my heart,  I hold nothing back so there are many people out there who know my inner feelings that normally would not.   I’m okay with that.  So now this collective body that reads my blog will know more.  You see I’m insane.  I don’t think I would get a clinical diagnosis but it would be a close call.  I believe that there is a lobster out there for me.  Laugh away people.  But I believe it to the tips of my toes that there is  someone who ‘gets’ me and loves me anyway.  Someone who can hang out with me and I feel 100% myself.  Someone who can make me laugh until I cry.  Someone who calls me on my shit and I take it because they know me and love me and are calling me on my shit from a place that is genuine NOT because they need me to be wrong to feel better about themselves (can I get an amen?).  I believe that this person would be my best friend.  Okay let me explain.  I have life long friends.  People I have known since I was five years old. People I trust with my life.  I have NEVER had a relationship with a man where I felt that kind of friendship. And for me, I think that is the answer.  Well for a lot of people I think that is the answer.  I’ve had several talks with people in their 40’s lately regarding this topic and the one thing I know is that people who meet mates later in life (40+) seem to have different definition of true love.

 I believe in true love it is just my definition of it has changed over the years. I think when I was younger it was all about being saved and swept off my feet. Then in my 20’s it was about appropriateness and appearing like a grown up. I really thought I’d done the work needed to end up in a good relationship but ended up with my current ex-husband to be. Part of me is wondering if I was just lonely after so many years being single and missed some signs. My friends assure me that they were as snowed as I was but then I question if I’m delusional.  A part of me  wonders if what I want is even possible. I want a companion, a best friend. I want someone who loves me for who I really am, not who I present myself to the world. i want a ‘soft place to fall’ when the world seems to be too much. And I want to WANT him, like rip off your clothes baby I want you. Oh and I need him to feel the exact same way.  Above all I need faithfulness, you see after 10 years of someone cheating I’ve come to a couple of conclusions.  Number 1 a marriage can be ruined by infidelity even if you have NO idea that it is going on.  I believe that it is because somewhere deep inside your soul KNOWS and will not allow you to trust.  So you are then holding part of yourself back and unable to connect EVER with the other person.  It’s not right but you don’t know why, can’t put your finger on it.  This disconnect is felt by the cheater and pushes them farther away because their spouse “isn’t there for them”.   Number 2 infidelity can be about the other person and their issues and journey and have nothing to do with you.  Do I think there are reasons I ended up with my ex? Yes.  Do I take ANY responsibility for his actions NO.  I don’t care if I was a dragon bitch from hell who never slept with him, it’s not my fault.  He had a million other ways to deal with wanting out of the relationship and he CHOSE to stay although he was clearly unhappy and sleeping  around.  I was talking with a friend the other day and explaining what had happened.  She said “that is my biggest fear” when I told her that I knew NOTHING about the secret kid and the affairs.  And really it is the ultimate blind side BUT it also reinforces to me that it had nothing to do with me.  Because it didn’t happen and I stayed (not judging just making sense of it) it was a relationship that I was NEVER in.  I wasn’t part of a relationship.  I spent 10 years in the same ‘place’ as another person of the opposite sex who i thought I was in a relationship with but in fact I never was.  A relationship by definition includes two people and my ex was never in.  I had a one-sided marriage with a stranger.  Cold, but true. So the number 1 thing on my list is fidelity, and the best indicator of future fidelity is past fidelity….end of. I will never be in a relationship with someone who has felt the need to step outside instead of end it or fix it.  Sure people can change, but sorry darlin’ you’ll have to prove the whole “I’ve changed”  to someone else I’m not taking that on.  I’ll take on other baggage  but cheating, there’s the door.

So back to true love, here are some of the comments I’ve gotten that have resonated with me over the last few days from a special group of women that I lean on and trust to tell me like it is!

• I believe in true love, but I think it’s rare for it to last a lifetime.
•  I don’t believe in settling; I would much rather be alone, but that’s my nature. Some people thrive on constant companionship, so it may differ for them.
• I believe that you choose to make a person your partner through all the good and bad, ups and downs. I don’t believe it’s easy, I don’t believe this person will or needs to “rock your world” every single day for the rest of your lives. I do think we (society) have these incorrect and impossible expectations that love means being sexually attracted ALL the time to only one person.
• I believe people come together for reasons of sexual attraction. Some people think this is all they need – but it’s not. We need to learn whether we are compatible or not in other areas: drive, focus, support, desires for family, home or whatever, education, religious philosophy (or not) etc.
•  I don’t necessarily think that there is only 1 person out there “for you” – I think there are several that fit the bill, but with varying levels of success.
• Yes, I actually believe in “true” love that endures. But I think it’s not about finding the best person out there,for me, it’s finding the person who fits me and my personality best, and then – to not look again.
• I think the people who ‘nail it’ at a young age are very wise, lucky or had a role model that made it easier to establish what they want.

So do I think my lobster is out there? Yup.  And the lady who put it best for me said it like this “I find that instead of looking for the perfect man, I’m looking for the imperfect man I can’t live without.”  Perfectly said.

Dumpster Diving!

Ok, I’ll admit it, I’m a snob.  Wait, I should clarify, I USED to be a snob.  Since moving back from overseas I have changed.  I remember when we were selling everything before we moved I was astonished at how much ‘stuff’ we had.  I vowed that I would never again be a slave to name brands and new things.  Then when we lived in Germany I watched how people live.  There is no buying new furniture just because you no longer like your couch.  Germans buy quality stuff and keep itforever.  I really respect that.  I also became much more involved in recycling and reusing items.  When we moved to London I was astonished at the amount of trash on the streets.  Sure some people recycled but it was no uncommon to see people just throw their water bottles on the street as they walked along.  It gave me a headache to walk along the high street and see the amount of garbage strewn everywhere.  Oh and tipping?  Disgusting.  Tipping is the act of just dumping your crap in an open space.  Happens all the time in London.  There is even a television show following council workers who track down serial tippers.  Fast forward back to Edmonton and I made a conscience choice that I was going to live a more sustainable live.  Yes it helps that I’m broke but that’s only part of it.  I have been looking to fill this house with only items that I love that have been either preloved or in need of restoration.So a few weeks ago while walking down the street I saw this dresser.  Just sitting out by the dumpster a couple blocks from my house.

Car?  Who needs a car?

The house is furnished with as much second hand good quality furniture I can find.  The best ones are free.  There is a yumminess of getting something completely free.  Like our new china cabinet…

But there is also an evil delight in getting something because YOU think it’s valuable but someone else doesn’t see it’s beauty.  And that is what happened with Miss Things new vanity.  I love it!  She loves it!  And someone was sick of it and sold it for 10 bucks.

There are also little savings that make me super happy too.   Like going to the mail and finding that it’s SAMPLE DAY!

I like to have a floss and mouth wash in travel size to throw in my purse….so why not get it for free!

Pluto is NOT a planet…

Ok, so things have changed since I was in school.  The Soviet Union is no more, the Wall is down in Germany, Yugoslavia…finished.  I’m pretty up on world happenings so not much throws me for a loop.  Um, so how did I miss that Pluto is no longer a planet??? We are doing a unit on the Solar System.   Seriously, that is a huge thing to miss.  Oh well, that’s why it’s good to do some planning BEFORE you start a unit.   Mr. Magoo picked it as one of the things he really wanted to learn about.  So to start off the unit he made his OWN solar system!  We are following it up with a guided reading of a cool chapter book called STINK Solar System Superhero!  No it’s not  a normal choice but we’re not normal  but it’s about the solar system and it’s a book he’s interested in.

We had the solar system above his bed but since we got his new loft bed and it came with a tent so now the solar system is off to the side.

We don’t have a mattress that fits in the bed yet but the one from the folding bed will suffice for now.

The first night it was VERY hard to sleep in it for Mr. Magoo but since then he’s been able to calm himself enough to fall asleep.  The cool thing is the added darkness the tent give him and the ‘cocoon’ feeling of the tent is really good for sleep.

Miss Thing helped with the yard work.  Here she is shoveling little rocks into the wheel barrow.  She then moved them over to the other side and  smoothed them out.  We are going to rototill 3/4th of the area for veggies.

On this side we are going to have a huge herb area.  The herbs are going to be in tubs and I’m hoping for tomatoes in that area as well.  On the otherside we are building a compost .  Right now I’m busy trying to figure out how to do that….I’m thinking wood and cheap.  We’ll see how that turns out.  The tree that you see on the left side of the picture is being taken down so I think there will be a fair bit of sun into the garden.  It used to be a garden so it should work out okay.  Miss Thing has requested NO TURNIPS.  The purple topped turnips that we’ve been eating from our neighbors garden have NOT been a hit.  I’m hoping for lots of root veggies and squashes. Zucchini and spaghetti squash at least….I have a bag of spring onions that I have to get into the ground before it hardens but that shouldn’t be too hard they are going in a different area.  Hopefully this weekend I can get that done.

We are settling nicely into our new life.  I miss my friends overseas every day.  I miss the anonymous part of living overseas.  The freedom in that kind of living was liberating.   But I’m so thankful to be back in the surroundings that are familiar.   To be here for the birth of my bbf’s baby was something that I’m so glad I didn’t miss.  I’d post a pic but he’s not my kid, suffice it to say he’s the most beautiful baby.  He’s just perfect.  He’s got amazing black hair and his Mommy’s nose.

Anyway here are MY little babies….

I’m learning through facebook today.  A friend of mine posted a quote by Marilyn Munroe that I hadn’t heard before. “I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”

Back to Guided Reading with my beloved monkey.

And the walls come tumblin’ tumblin’

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No matter the situation there is always cooking to be done.  Yesterday my wonderful next door neighbor invited me to take as much of her garden in as I wanted.  Her husband passed away a few weeks ago and her garden is overgrowing. Her middle aged daughter lives in the home but I get the impression the relationship isn’t that solid.  I get that impression because of the police visit that happened when they tried to discuss the burial arrangements a couple weeks back.  Anyway, the daughter did some planting this year but refuses to pull it up.  The little old lady is so terribly hunched over that she can’t pick the veggies herself.  Seeing that she is clearly unable to do it she probably thought she’d offer them to me.  I told her that I would be happy to dig them up for her, I’d even clean them and bring them to her house.  She declined saying that they weren’t planted right (the daughter did plant it in a crappy way, too crowded and not in rows) and she isn’t in the mood for them anyway.  She wants us to have them..and for them not to go to waste.  So today I went over with a basket and pulled some root veggies for supper.   I grabbed some purple turnips, beets, curly parsley and fennel oh yeah and couple of spring onions as well.

 

Here the bounty is all washed and ready to be  cut up.

 

 

And here is the final product,  I added some yams and onions and the last of the leek that was in the fridge.

 

 

I have a new appreciation for living in the heart of the city.  We used to live on the outskirts and I’ll never do that again.  I mean I would live on an acreage or farm but never in one of the newer suburbs.  The beauty of living in the heart of the city is that you live with a diverse group of people.  In the suburbs everyone was young families, two minivans and we never met our neighbors. No one had gardens they had landscape artists.  I’ve lived in this place less than a month and I already have met some wonderful women who are teaching me the art of canning, gardening and pie making!

Just a week ago we had a spaghetti squash that  another neighbor gave me and she even told me her recipe!   It’s was for spaghetti squash and meat sauce, AMAZING!

 

So the walls may be tumblin’ tumblin’ but I’m enjoying the fall harvest.  As the saying goes, “A wind has blown the rain away and blown the sky away and all the leaves away, and the trees stand. I think, I too, have known autumn too long.” e e cummings

 

 

Am I writing or am I a writer?

There have been many times in my life where I have dreamt of becoming a writer. Usually it’s while I”m driving in my car. I no longer have a car so now it happens when I’m on the train. Some days I don’t want update the blog, some WEEKS I don’t ‘feel’ like writing. Usually someone prods me (erin) and I sit down and write something. Today I was chastising a fellow blogger for their lack of update and she responded with “I feel so uninspired lately”. Now this poor kid is in bed with a nasty case of morning sickness so I totally understand that feeling, but what she said stuck with me. That’s exactly how I feel some days. So I”m walking to the train and I thought….that’s the difference between writing and BEING a writer. Writing when your feeling uninspired MAKES you a writer. Writing when you’re inspired is easy. When I’m in the middle of Heidelberg and a guy is singing “let the sunshine in” on an accordion with a German accent THAT blog post practically writes itself. When I walk by the computer 10 times and think ‘meh i should blog’ those are the days I need to sit down and write. If I string enough of those days together then one day, I’ll be a writer.

my diary, my journal, my blog

diary |ˈdīərē|
noun ( pl. -ries)
a book in which one keeps a daily record of events and experiences

journal |ˈjərnl|
noun
a daily record of news and events of a personal nature; a diary.

blog |bläg|
noun
a Web site on which an individual or group of users produces an ongoing narrative

When I was younger I kept a diary. Well not really I TRIED to keep a diary. I very much wanted to keep a diary and would start a new one ever so often. I would write in it religiously for days or even weeks then I would stop. Months later I would pick it up again and start the process over again. I wasn’t a committed diarist but I enjoyed the outlet. Then when I was a teenager, my mother read my diary. Now before you go all ‘get over it, loser’ on me. I completely understand where she was coming from, really I do. My mom is 41 years older than me and from a completely different time. She grew up and there were no fridges, I grew up smokin’ dope in the eastview bushes. I get that she was behind the eight-ball with me. I would have done the same thing in her situation. I mean I basically do the same thing everytime I check the kids computer history, right? It’s an invasion of perceived privacy which a child, preteen or teenager just doesn’t understand. What I will never understand is that she then used the information that she read about against me. I’m still pissed to this day about that. I’ll never understand that part of it. So you go into my private stuff (or what my little 14 year head thought was private) read it and then use that information against me. By the way, do not ever bring up this incident with my mother. She gets super pissed if you talk about it at all. To her she can’t understand what she did wrong in the least because in her mind, children do not have the right to privacy. I lived in her house and therefore she had every right to do whatever she wanted. So 26 years later she still thinks that fact that she ‘found something’ in the diary is justification that she read it. And I still think that if she would have shut her damn mouth she would have found out some WAY juicier stuff just a short year later. See what she failed to realize is that she had a direct line into what I was thinking and what I was doing. She should have read the diary, put it back and then found another way to find out the same information. Hence keeping her ‘source’ open for more info later. After she read the diary I never wrote in it again.

As an adult I had a journal. I was no longer some ‘child’ who wrote in a diary with a flimsy metal key hanging from it. I had a beautifully bound book from Chapters to drop my pearls of wisdom into. No longer would there be rating systems on which boy I was madly in love with for the week. Now there would be thought provoking prose on the ability of some twat to phone me back after a night at Goose Loonies dance club. I started many journals but never got back to the free style writing of my youth. I lived in my own home but never was I able to let go and just vent as I had when I was younger. It no longer felt like a ‘safe’ medium but I still journalled. I tried very hard to pick it back up. Oprah said journalling was important then dammit I was going to journal. Really it was just another way for me to beat myself up about not being good at something. That was a pretty prevalent thought process during my teens and twenties, so the lack of journal writing wasn’t anomalous it just reaffirmed it on a more daily basis. Kind of like a nice little piece of judgment all leather bond and floral covered sitting on my nightstand. Then it happened again. My privacy was blown out of the water and I lost my ability journal for years.

Then I started this blog. There is no perceived privacy when you write your thoughts down for the world (or 75-ish people day depending on traffic and if I’ve used any buzz words that bring in the searches). In the beginning I never really thought about it, I just wrote what was on my mind, but almost mindlessly. There was a lot of knitting talk and stuff about the kids. Then I found Bikram and the talk moved to yoga and moving overseas. But every so often something would be gnawing at me and I’d want to post it and I would. It never dawned on me to be worried about who was reading it or what they might think of me. I really do write this blog for me and the reality is that the longer I write it the more of ‘me’ that I put in it. It’s almost as if the writing of the blog in a public forum let me get back to how I used to write in my diary when I was fourteen. And now I NEED that diary back. I really need that place where I put down all my thoughts and feelings because I am so far away from everything and everyone I know. There is no safety net here. When you fight with your spouse there is no Bikram to go to so you can “leave it on the mat”. My stress coping skills are pretty simple. Bikram (none here), smoking (shut up), whining (8 hour time difference) knitting (thank god) and this blog. I had no idea how much I had come to rely on those other coping skills until they were all gone except the knitting and this blog. My spouse is NOT a talker. I am a talker. He has little or no interest in the things I want to talk about. He is not good at hiding that fact. If I start talking about subjects he has no interest in he will just interrupt and talk about something else. Really. I wish I was joking. And I’m not saying I’m talking about how to knit the perfect gusset, I could be talking about the train schedule. If he isn’t interested he doesn’t hear me. Period. He has many good qualities listening isn’t one of them. Either is talking. This blog is where I get to talk, I can talk about what I want to talk about and whether it is perception or reality I think that because it’s in a public way I feel heard at the same time. Wow. Big thoughts for someone who just wanted to write a post and work out some stuff in her head….better go fill up the coffee…