Forever A Cupid

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Posted by Allison on February 4, 2013

1972 .  I have NO idea when my parents actually split up but I do know that it was when I was really young and for some reason I’ve always thought I was 3 (lets say ish as it’s not important to the rest of the story).  I have no memory of my Dad living in the same house as I did at all.  I do have memories of him coming to see me.  We would sit in the basement on the long couch and he would lie down and I would sit in the bend area behind his knees and watch tv.  In my memory he’s quite tall and his legs are long and since NONE of those statements are true about my Dad, I must have been pretty tiny.  When I left my first husband after a disastrous abusive marriage in my early 20’s I wrote my Dad a letter.  I thanked him for leaving.  I told him how amazing it was to grow up knowing that the pursuit of personal happiness is vital.  That it is okay to protect yourself and to move forward even when the world around you tells you it’s selfish to do so.  It’s a lesson I’ve carried with me.  I chose to focus on that lesson and not the others that I probably learnt because of the split.  But the most valuable lesson I learnt through their divorce was a lesson from my mother.   I’ve told her about this lesson and she seemed to “poo poo” the idea mostly because she still believes on some level that she is ‘at fault’ for not holding her marriage together.  In fact the one thing that allows me to hold on to the belief that she has always wanted what’s best for her children is how she conducted herself after the split.  You see my mother and I do not get along.  We have a very strained and uncomfortable relationship, but I will always try because I know that she is a victim of her upbringing in a way that allows me to show compassion and understanding.  Even though I am not the daughter she wanted, i am the daughter she got and she is the mother I got.  I love her and respect her very much but we are not mother/daughter close and that is okay.  At some point after the separation my mother overheard me saying to someone how ‘oh it doesn’t matter, she is always sad’.  She was devastated.  She didn’t realize that I had noticed her sadness. She didn’t think she was depressed but she clearly was deeply saddened by the split.  She immediately took notice of how her emotions were affecting the children still in the home. And she immediately did something about it. She made the comment that if something happened to her, the little girl she loved would only have a memory of a sad depressed woman.  She is NOT that and it would truly have been a shame if that was the legacy she left me with because of her temporary sadness.  So my mother did the single most loving thing a parent can do.  She came out of herself and did what was best for the children she loved.  My mother  picked herself up, dusted her self off and moved the fuck on.   I hold that memory deep in my heart and I want my children to understand that even though I am deeply saddened by the demise of my marriage that there is strength in that sadness.  That a woman of strength does not just lay down and be kicked in the head by life.  A woman of strength gets the hell up.  THAT is the legacy that my mother gave to me.  It may not be pretty and it may not be all roses and flowers but it is my truth.  I get the hell up.

Today marks 7 years since I lost the single most influential man in my life.  I am surrounded by loving men.  Men of honour and men of strength.  Men who love their family and men who love their friends.  I am not hardened by the relationships in my life that haven’t turned out as expected because I have beautiful, wonderful, caring, compassionate men in my life.  I have brothers, sons, nephews and friends all so close to my heart all men who hold me up and make me a better person.  But today I miss the man who held me first, who loved me most and who knew my heart so well.  Rest well Daddy.  I miss you so very much.  Rest well.

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