Forever A Cupid

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I’m out….

Posted by Allison on September 9, 2012

I am three weeks out of my marriage.  I mean technically I was out last August when I said “I’m done, I want a divorce”  It was right after I had found my ex trolling sex site yet again on his parents computer.  We were all sharing a computer and I remember walking in to check my email and all these, lets call them alternative, sites came up.  I was furious.  I mean we are all sharing a computer WITH his mom & dad IN their house and he couldn’t stop himself for the 2 weeks until we got possession of our house.  But I once again turned the other cheek.  I came out of the room and very evenly said, “if you don’t mind could you please refrain from going on sex sites while we are at your parents house”.  I’m sure that venom was dripping from my tongue but I didn’t care.   He sheepishly said ok.  But that wasn’t the straw that broke the camels back.  That straw came the next morning when I came into the kitchen.  I was passed it.  I wasn’t actually thinking about it.  I looked over and saw him sitting at the table and felt, nothing.  Not mad, not happy, just empty.  And what did he do?  He got pissed at me.  Like severely pissed at me.  Because apparently I was looking at him in a rude way.  Seriously? I fucking give you a pass on once again trying to hook up with random people (at the time I thought JUST online) and you’re pissed at me because I’m not being nice enough to you?  The penny dropped.  The horrible excuse of a man will never treat me with any amount of respect.  Everything will ALWAYS be my fault.  He will never take any kind of REAL responsibility for his actions.  Not now, not ever.  And like that, I was done.  Many people would be surprised to know that at that point I didn’t even know about the too numerous to count affairs.  I left his ass before I had heard how many times he had taken my life in his hands for a quick lay.  How many times because he “wasn’t getting it at home” he chose to have affairs with god knows who.  Nope, that fact wasn’t told to me until AFTER I said I wanted a divorce.  Not in an attempt to come clean and save the marriage, nope.  He only told me that he had never been faithful in 10 years as a parting shot to make sure that he inflicted as much pain as possible.

Three weeks have passed and what have I gained?  Well, there is a feeling that I almost can’t describe.  I feel, lighter.  I feel like there is an eeire quiet as if I was living in the eye of a tornado but now the storm has passed.  The aftermath and destruction is pretty apparent but the calm is palatable.  Last night I sat in the backyard with my kids and my roommate and we had a fire.  Seriously, that is it.  A backyard fire.  I stared into for a long time and enjoyed the flames.  I felt the joy of hearing my children’s glee and could feel their excitement.  A backyard fire, that’s it.  That is all it takes to make these kids vibrate with excitement.  These are definitely my kids.  This is one of my favorite things to do.  So simple but so perfect.  Cups of hot chocolate with marshmallows, the cackling of the wood and the dog chasing a tennis ball.

At one point after the kids went to bed i just stared into the fire.  I was trying to put my finger on the emotion that I was feeling.  At first I thought it was gratitude, I have landed in a really good situation with a room mate who is probably one of the most descent guys on the planet.  I wish he knew that about himself.  But it wasn’t that.  The feeling was peace.  I was no longer this horrible person who was always wrong.  I was no longer this difficult woman who is impossible to live with.  I was me.  Not perfect but not awful.  Just a girl who loves her kids so fiercely that it burns.  And finally, FINALLY I can see things so much clearer.  The logic that my ex lived under is mind boggling and I believed it.  FOR YEARS.  Apparently the cheating shouldn’t have effected the marriage because i didn’t know about it.  Ok.  Also I have been shouted at, blamed and held hostage over the fact that I wasn’t supportive during my ex’s most difficult teaching year.  This was the year I was pregnant with my youngest.  I was working and so very sick.  I had little to no patience for the constant whining that he did about a principal that apparently didn’t like him, didn’t like how he taught and made his life hell.  At every opportunity my ex would tell me how horrible I was to him during that year.  And now?  Out of the eye of the storm what do I see?  I see that he was banging the teacher down the hall while his pregnant wife was at home.  Most likely his principal knew and did whatever he could to chase him out of the school. AND he knew this, he knew what he had done and he continued to place the blame on me for ‘not being supportive’.  Maybe if you weren’t busy banging the teacher next door you wouldn’t have been chased out of your position.  Funny aside, I say this woman’s name at EVERY opportunity. Every time there is chance I say it.  Why?  Because she pitched in on my wedding gift.  She met me.  She bought my new baby a toy.  She CLEARLY had no problem going to toy R us and buying a gift for the woman who’s husband she was banging.    She wasn’t sleeping with a stranger’s husband she KNEW I existed.  She KNEW I was pregnant and she fucked him anyway.  So if she feels no shame in that, why the hell wouldn’t I say her name every chance I get.

And now I’m seeing how many other women that I hold dear are in similar situations and it’s breaking my heart.  As I was reading one woman’s story and nodding my head I thought, how do we GET here?  Well it takes years.  It takes years of being told it’s your fault.  It takes years of living with someone who is emotionally abusive.  It takes years of someone twisting reality into something you end up believing to be true.  Until one day you are sitting at the kitchen table looking across and the veil drops.   One day you realize the problem isn’t you, it’s them.  That they are blaming you because they don’t want to own their own shit.  So last night as I stared into the fire I saw the beauty in it. If I stuck my hand in I would feel such pain but if I just look at it, I can see it’s beauty.  I can feel it’s heat and I know it’s strength.

I am out.  I may be busted and broken but I am out.  Am I angry and bitter?  No.  I GET angry and bitter but I’m not owning that, I’m not becoming that.  I am out.

Lily Allen says it best.

Because you know I’m nothing if not mature….

4 Responses to “I’m out….”

  1. Kimberli said

    I’m so so happy for you! What a great place and state of mind to be in. To be just YOU. I relate all too well to your words, and I remember exactly where I was when I looked into my fire, my flames. There are no limits to your future and no one to hold you back or prisoner in a house of blame and shame that doesn’t belong to you. Yes, these women who sleep with married men will have their day. The women that shake our hands during the day and take our innocence away at night. It could be fucking, maybe a emotional connection, they ‘fall in love’ with the idea. Funny how at the end of the day when they ‘win’ their prize how hindsight shows them how really they came in last and WE are the winners. Because no matter how glamorous, there will always be ANOTHER teacher down the hall….;) much love and healing to you my friend.

  2. Beth said

    Wow!!! about 6 years ago I was right where you are it is amazing to me how many women must go through what we went through. I have so been there and done that. I had a lot of healing to go through but now I am all healed and I have met a wonderful man that loves me and my children. Thank you for sharing this post. I don’t think I would have ever had the courage to share what I went through. Congratulations on being divorced! Enjoy your children, enjoy your life and stay strong. It is a wonderful feeling to be JUST YOU! Enjoy it and relish it!

    • Allison Cupid said

      Thanks for reading Beth. I never knew when I started this blog 9 years ago that it would be such a huge part of who I am. I write because I MUST. I need to know that somewhere out there people are reading my pain. It makes it easier. It makes if feel like I’m not going through it all alone.

      • Beth said

        I understand you completely and I so commend you. It is comforting to me to have read your post. Even though my ordeal happened many years ago and I am over the hurt and pain, it is nice to know that other woman have gone through what I went through. None of my friends went through what I went through. I am glad that you are writing about it.

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