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Tub thumping…

Posted by Allison on June 10, 2012

In an attempt to NOT write a post filled with negativity and crap I’m going to write about the positive side of living with your ex during what can only be called a ‘transitional’ year.  Everyone thinks I’m crazy but I probably am but I am choosing to see the upside of what we did here.  There wasn’t really any other option for the first year back after living overseas.  Well I suppose there is always other options but this is the one I chose and for the most part it worked out.  As we come up on the end of the year I think I have some insight into when it will work and when it will not.  The truth is it’s getting harder the closer it is to being done, I think it’s because there is an end in sight so I’m mostly writing today to rededicate myself so i can do this last push for the final couple of months.

Let me just say if there had been any type of physical abuse I never would have stayed in the same house as my ex.  Yes I realize now that there was a shitload of emotional abuse but I didn’t really know that when we started this part of our journey (duh)…but that’s a post for another day.

My ex and I get along 90% of the time.  At the beginning, it was rough I will admit that.  I was like a deer in the headlights and he was extremely angry.  I’m not sure why to this day but during the first few months after I said I was done, he was cruel and rude and angry with me.  I never did figure that out.  He was the one that cheated for 10 years and had a kid I never knew about and somehow he was also the one that was angry at me for pulling the plug.  I suppose a lot of that was just misdirected anger, him being angry at himself but it came out as anger at me.  However I think most of it centered around other people finding out about his secret behaviour and any time I spent with one certain friend who is male.  I think he knew that once certain people in my life found out there would be no going back, I insisted that he tell people in his life if we were going to continue to life together and that added a lot of stress to his life I’m sure.  Pretty hard to sit your parents down and explain that your wife is leaving because you never stopped dating.  I can’t imagine looking my mother in the eyes and telling her that I had an affair on my pregnant wife….god that must have been awful.  And for some reason the time I spent with an old friend who is male REALLY annoyed the hell out of him.  I have my theories as to why but they are just theories.  In the past, I would have stopped seeing this friend to keep the peace but to be honest, I didn’t even consider that this time.  For one thing, the very people I had asked my ex to stop contact with were still in his life and remain to this day I’m sure, so why would I give up a calming force and an emotional support because my ex didn’t want me to see him?  And secondly, this friend is one of the few person who I can be 100% myself with I mean REALLY myself.  Just driving to his house I can feel my heart rate slow down, the stress leave my body and I can exhale.  The first time I REALLY laughed after all this was because of him, I’ve cried on his shoulder,  I’ve escaped to his house when I thought I couldn’t make it one more day.  He took the broken pieces and glued them back together.  Why?  Because I did the exact same thing for him 15 years ago.  No alterative motive, no hidden agenda, just an amazing man who loves me and would do anything for me.  Because he’s my FRIEND.  I know, I will never be able to repay him but I’m definitely going to try.  He help me get back to me physically, emotionally and mentally and for that I’ll always be grateful.  And besides I always like to give people something to talk about…and my PBP, he is definitely something to talk about…


The first few months must have been tough on the kids although we did try to be civil in front of them.  All the time the very behaviour that had destroyed the marriage was continuing and i had to watch and try not to comment.  That was very hard and admittedly I didn’t do very well at keeping my mouth shut.  I found that getting out helped and leaning on my long term friends definitely helped.  But being told that the demise of your marriage had more to do with your own behaviour is tough, especially when it isn’t true.  And then to top it off I was really hurt by the behaviour of my ex in-laws.  Like devastated hurt.  I’ve talked before about how it felt to have my children unceremoniously dumped but if I’m honest I was hurt because they dumped me too.  I really liked them, I thought they liked me too and I didn’t get one word of support or apology.  Not one supportive visit, nothing.  After finding out that I was treated so horribly their only concern was about money…..and keeping my hands off it. I was the one who had ‘things’ when we met, he lived in his parent’s basement, I lived in my own house.  Anyway the support wasn’t there not for me, not for my kids…it was a harsh wake up call.  One that only added to my pain.  And then there is my blog, I LOVE writing, I LOVE the outlet, I should use it more but the reality is that every blog post that I write that explores my pain and feelings results in a backlash after my ex reads it.  I yearn for the day when we are no longer under the same roof and I can write freely with no backlash.  I mean I’m writing very honestly now but I do so with the knowledge that the sting is coming.  So I’m pretty sure it stops me from writing a lot more than it should.  Kind of like a dog that gets beat….a little skittish.  BUT even in the face of all that stress and drama the year got progressively better and the kids have adapted and grown.  Mr. Magoo’s anxiety is much better (although i’d imagine it’ll go thru the roof when we have new living arrangements, he’s already told me that he is fine with us being separated but does NOT want us to get a divorce and live in separate houses).  Miss Thing is very much a teenager and acting out in her own way.  I think her anxiety will actually go down once this year is over.  And of course the oldest doesn’t give a rats ass as long as i’m safe and happy.  Sadly his experience with how men treat women is so negative that he almost expects this sort of behaviour.  Which sucks I only hope it means he will be a better partner to his significant other and not follow the behaviours of his bio & step dad.  When it comes to showing my kids how a wife and mother should be treated I have failed miserably.  So hopefully I can show them that no matter how many times you get knocked down, you can get back up again.


This post turned  into something I didn’t expect, but clearly needed to think through and explore.  Would I do this year again?  Not if I didn’t have to.  BUT I did learn more about myself and my ex than I would have if we were in separate places and that is a good thing.  Perhaps because of this year I think we will be able to go forward and develop a friendship that would NOT have been possible if we had immediately separated.  I was in too angry a place last year, I would have closed the door on that possibility but now, maybe it is possible.

3 Responses to “Tub thumping…”

  1. Michele said

    I am in awe of you. Your elegance, dignity, bravery and humour during circumstances I cannot imagine has been inspiring to me. You are an amazing woman and I cannot state how happy I am to know you.

  2. KMA said

    “When it comes to showing my kids how a wife and mother should be treated I have failed miserably. So hopefully I can show them that no matter how many times you get knocked down, you can get back up again.”

    Seems to me if you can get back up again, you have not failed, nor have you failed them.
    Keep getting up and my hand is always there when you need an extra tug. XXXXX

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