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you’ve been dumped

Posted by Allison on May 6, 2012

How does one explain to a 13 year old kid that they have in fact been dumped yet again in their young life?  You see we are currently dealing with the reality of how her bio family dumped her.  She has spent 7 years believing that they didn’t love her because of the colour of her skin.  I’ve spent the last 6 years trying to reverse that belief.  The first summer that Miss Thing lived with us she told me that she couldn’t be in the sun too long because she’d get “too dark”.  I told her ‘the darker the berry the sweeter the juice’  and bet her that she couldn’t get darker than me!  She was floored, she had no idea that being dark brown could be a good thing.  In fact she had attributed all the neglect to the fact that she was mixed race.  She still has virtually no self esteem but she has come to believe that she is an amazing colour.  I can still see her sitting next to her brother on the couch, all those years ago, marvelling at how they were the same colour.  Most importantly she is now very adamant that the colour of someones skin shouldn’t matter at all.  We talk about prejudice a LOT how being different isn’t something that should be a punch line.  She knows how I feel about GLBT rights and is turning into a bit of a underdog champion herself.  So then how do I explain to her that her adoptive family has dumped her as well?  Now I’m not going to judge because I’m sure everyones reality is different but the fact is that after two years away I think she really missed the ‘family times’ that we used to have back in Canada.  We’ve spent a lot of time reconnecting with my family and she always goes on and on about how important family time is.  Miss Thing loves family dinners and holiday time to her means getting family together and having a big meal.  But she has been dumped.  Ok, she has a wonderful teenage cousin who has taken the time to go out with her but that is it.   And to be fair her and Mr. magoo have both been dumped.  No one calls them, no one comes to see them, no one comes and picks them up and takes them to the park.  Nothing.  Well there was a birthday card and a Christmas card but nothing more.   Every few days Mr Magoo brings it up,  but she has stopped asking.  I try to tell her it’s not her fault.  She doesn’t believe me.  Because this is a little girl who was abandoned and neglected by her birth family, she can’t imagine who elses fault it could be.  I know that there must be more to the story right?  No one dumps children because of an amicable separation, do they?  I mean dump me for sure!  Clearly I meant absolutely nothing to these people and that’s fine.  But my children?  Really?  I think that is horrific.    I will never understand it, I mean dumping the faithful wife that stood by your cheating, secret child having relative, whatever.  But dumping the children who loved you? The children who considered you family?  That I will never understand.  You know if my child or brother or parent did something as life altering and destructive and my ex did I would be horrified. I would also be bringing meals by, taking the kids out, making sure SHE was okay after all the shit my relative put her through. But that’s just me. I’ve been asking people what I should do and the responses have been all over the map.  I love my children so fiercely that to see them dismissed and hurt like this is so painful.  Because as we all know children blame themselves.  I’m not cute enough, I don’t deserve this relationship, I’m not loveable.  So I’m turning it over to the universe.  Let Karma deal with it.  Cause I sure as fuck haven’t a clue.  But I know as sure as I’m breathing I will never forgive this, it’s the cruelest thing I’ve ever seen and it’s being done to the children I love more than life itself.  It’s unforgivable.

2 Responses to “you’ve been dumped”

  1. Alana said

    You’re right – it sucks and there isn’t a lot you can do. Adults are stupid and selfish and often don’t know what to do…so they do nothing. I am certain ‘his’ family are so embarrassed by his disgusting behaviour, that they don’t know what to do or say to you or the kids. Not that it makes amy of it OK, but maybe you are better off without there stupid comments and empty apologies for raising an asshole! Sorry – too much??!!!
    One day…I know this doesn’t help now, but one day, these children will know and understand the truth. They will have all of the facts and the ability to choose for themselves how to deal with all of these poeple. For now, you just have to keep being the amazing mom you are. Don’t give in to them because you feel guilty and you want to cut them some slack…keep your behaviour as normal as you can – because they need you to be you still!!! They need to know that even if everyone else is fucked up and stupid – they still have a crazy ass mother that loves them to death and will do whatever it takes to turn them into great human beings! You have all the strenth and love in you that these kids need – give it to them and you will all rise above.

  2. Kris said

    Alana is right. Unfortunately, you just have to let them see it for themselves. Those people are missing out and it is their loss. It is so hard on kids to be caught up in the mess that is the end of a relationship. I know first hand, being one of those kids.
    Take the high road buddy, it isn’t the easiest one but it is the best one. Trust in Karma. It works!

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