Forever A Cupid

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Note to the next one…

Posted by Allison on November 26, 2011

The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.  Maya Angelou

I love this quote. I often use this quote, however I haven’t been living this quote.  In fact the most important two words in this quote for me are first time.  

But the self doubt in me keeps saying, maybe I’m being unreasonable.  Self doubt is a dangerous thing, it eats at you and unlike negative people or situations it’s a constant.  You can change the people you surround yourself with, you can change your location but you can’t change the way your brain works and the needling voice inside your head, can you?

I get it, I’m a hard ass.  I’m not the easiest person to please.  I can shut down when in a relationship trust is broken and I don’t always work as hard as I can to rebuild it.  But I think I’m going crazy in the head.  Seriously.  Who the hell does this?  Am I going crazy or am I finally seeing things from a sane place. We all do some version of this, you meet someone, get married, have children the whole kit and kaboodle.  It falls apart.  Shit happens and I understand that so I can be okay with the breakdown of a relationship, I really can.   It’s a very sad thing but it’s not the end of the world.  Well that’s not true, it’s not the end of  MY world, I’m too strong for that.   I can tell myself that maybe we weren’t compatible, maybe it moved to fast and we spent the rest of the time trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.  But now I spend a LOT of time wondering what is it about me that attracts this type of person.  I’ve been told recently that because of my actions I get what I get.  Because of the type of person I am it’s easy to treat me like this.  I’m too trusting, that it’s EASY to cheat on me because I’m too trusting.  Are you fucking kidding me?  Where is the personal responsibility to treat another human being with respect.  Where in that is the person just trying to live an honorable life?  Just because you CAN bend someone over the table means you should?  Just because someone trust you that gives you license to fuck them over?  Is that too harsh?  I’d like to believe that there are more people who live with integrity and less people who just because they can, do.

My whole adult life I’ve heard one thing over and over again.  “you intimidate men”.  Well you know what, if I intimidate you, you aren’t the right person for me.  If my strength makes you feel weak,  move along.  If you can only feel powerful by demeaning me, fuck off.  If you can’t be a man because you don’t have the balls, it’s on YOU, not me.  I am done adjusting who I am to make men feel better about themselves.

So to the next guy….and hell ya, there will be a next guy….I’m sorry.  I’m sorry that the damage is so deep that I may hold you to a standard that isn’t quite fair.  I apologize in advance if there is an inherent sense of distrust at the beginning.  I recognize that the walls I have to put of for self preservation may be hard to transverse.  But let me tell you something, if you are strong enough, smart enough and brave enough to knock those walls I am going to work as hard I can to be on the other side of the wall swinging with a sledge hammer so that I can be with you completely.

And then the song in my head will be Lucky.

4 Responses to “Note to the next one…”

  1. carlyle cupid said

    Awesome, been wondering where you’ve been hiding sis. That is the girl I know.

  2. Can’t wait for the time when I read ‘The walls are tumbling down’! You’re posts make me feel 10 ft tall and bullet proof and want to scream ‘Hell Ya!’

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