Forever A Cupid

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The truth

Posted by Allison on November 7, 2011

The truth is this is my blog and I’m fucking reclaiming it.  The truth is I’ve stopped writing and today I’ve been shown that was something I NEVER should have allowed to happen.  The truth is that I let myself be silenced by pride, fear and shame, the very things that I’ve always written through this time, I haven’t.  But that stops today.   The truth is that being cheated on sucks.  It doesn’t just make you feel like an idiot, it also makes you question everything that has happened within that relationship.  It isn’t just a single (or sometimes multiple) act that damages the current state of a relationship it also makes every memory become tainted.  Looking back at pictures brings so many questions into the mind.  Was he happy in the picture because he’d just met someone new?  Is this picture before or after the cheating happened?  Why do I look so immensely happy?  Was I really or did I somehow “know”.  I reread my youngest birth story today and now it seem silly and trite.  He’s taken away that moment for me.  Instead of the warm glow I used to feel, now I know that before and after there was someone else.  That joyous moment when I told him about the impending birth?  Gone. It wasn’t a ‘first’ for him, he’d already had that moment and just never told me about it.  The wedding so spontaneous and loving?  Didn’t happen because the vows he said meant absolutely nothing to him other than an evening that was keeping him from another woman.  Every feeling, every response, every moment of the relationship is now colored by his repeated act of betrayal.  It erases all the happy that you thought at the time was there.  But worse than that it makes the future seem so bleak.  The future that will never be is bad enough but that future that is now colored with the memory that you weren’t ‘enough’ is horrific.  Every person who enters your life after you’ve been cheated on has to wade the the shit that the last person left.   It’s so unfair.   And then to top it all off you have to decide what your part in it was because everywhere you read it’s also your fault.  I mean no one says that but that’s what it sounds like.  No one cheats on a good relationship.  The relationship must have already been damaged and that’s why the other person cheated.  How did you fall in love with someone and dedicate your LIFE to that person and trust them with every part of your soul and the entire time they were off breaking vows like a house of legos.  What if you’re completely deceived.  What if the other person never was faithful.  What if from the day you met the other person has lied and deceived with such completeness?  What if the entire relationship was a lie?  How do you move past that?  How is it possible that I’ve forgiven him and released him from my life and haven’t yet been able to forgive myself.

Cause let me tell you, there is a blinding rage that lives in me and worse off I think it’s here to stay.  I think it’s damaged me in a way that I will never be able to have another relationship.  That scares me more than the idea of trusting someone again.  Not that I’m afraid of being alone for the rest of my life.  I can live with that.  I can.  I have friends and family.  I have my kids.  But what if happily ever after exists and because of what has happened to me, I never get to experience it?  That would suck.

So I sit in this melancholy place.  Knowing that it’s a place created and designed by my lack of ability to read bullshit.  He’s fine.  I mean he’s really fine.  Already erased his part in the breakdown of a family and moved on to the next.  And here I sit.  Loss of the vision of my family,  responsible to rebuild the damage of the very children he swore he’d help raise and alone trying to figure out what I did wrong.   It’s a roller coaster of fear and loathing with no one around to stop the ride.  But at least I have my writing back.  I have reclaimed this blog as mine.  And I can see again.  I can see very clearly again.

It’s probably the new glasses.

12 Responses to “The truth”

  1. Michelle said

    I love you.

  2. Carlyle said

    Always remember that it was him who cheated, him who lied him who did the betrayal. You loved openly and unconditionally, it was him who could not see and accept it. In the end he will have a string of broken relationships, with his birth family, his friends and his children. He will be alone, lonely and wondering what went wrong. Sure he is ok now and he is moving on. Ask him on his 65th birthday if he ever recovered the loss of those relationships. Ask him if it is still as easy to find someone to be with let alone cheat witl. And then forgive yourself. The only people who can be fooled like this are those who truly care and truly know how to love. Knowing this you will be able to love and to trust again – it will be harder and you will be more cautious but it will be worth it. thisis only the first half of your life, the second half will be better. Filled with the joy of your children, an understanding family and awesome friends. Call when you need me, even if it just so you can scream in someone’s ear. I can no longer pick you up and wrap you in my arms when you are hurting but the thought is there and always will be.
    P.S. the glasses are pretty hot

  3. Kris said

    Take a deep breath and remember that there is something that you were supposed to learn from this. You may not see it now but everything happens for a reason. Be strong…it will get better.
    P.S. the glasses are really hot!!

  4. Karen said

    This makes me want to cry for you Allison. I just want you to know that you are one of the nicest, kindest person I have ever met. Take care of yourself and your beautiful children. I am always here if you need to talk. So sorry for your pain. No one deserves to hurt this much

    Hugs to you,
    Karen.

  5. Michelle said

    And i love your brother!!!

  6. I know that a heartfelt hug and much empathy (because I understand what you are going through, to some degree) aren’t enough to really help. But just know that time does heal (or at least numb) all wounds and pain. I agree that all things are meant to be, we just do not always see with clarity the reason why, but you are beautiful, you are strong and you are responsible and caring to more than just your own life and soul and your beautiful children are a fantastic result of this union you shared with this man which is now gone, and I know you will never regret him because of that. Sometimes we need to love with reckless abandon and blind trust to experience such miracles and in the same way, you will need blind trust and to abandon all hope to find what you truly seek because, my newfound friend, with great risk comes great reward! And you did nothing wrong. Just be you because the world needs you.

  7. Viajera said

    For what it’s worth, true love DOES exist, so please, when you’ve had time to recover, *really* recover (!!!) by not letting him steal that from you too.

    Having gone through this as a child, I also hope that your kids are doing as best as they can.

  8. Scott said

    I am the one that did this to you and there is not a day that goes by that I do not think of the pain that I caused you. I was the luckiest man in the world because you were in my life and I took it for granted. I never experienced love like I did when I was with you and I was selfish and never gave it back to you. I know that because of my actions you will never be able to wholly trust again and I am so sorry for that. You are a very special person and I have been lucky that you have been in my life and that you still kind and generous to me. I know I will never feel the happiness I had for the last 10 years again and I know moving forward that I will always live with regret and sorrow for everything I did to you. I know the word sorry is nice to hear but it will only be actions that prove I am sorry. Moving forward the only think I can do is show you the respect and kindness you deserve in what ever type of relationship we end up with.

  9. Ally,
    I haven’t checked in your blog in awhile…seeing the title ‘truth’ captured my interest. Coming from a broken marriage where I too was never ‘enough’, you’re words took me back to a place I lived in for so long. Remarried and have gone through the same with my current husband. Although there wasn’t physical cheating, there was a relationship with another woman. I blame myself for everything and can’t look in the mirror without questioning what is wrong with me that I wasn’t enough for BOTH of marriages. It takes a forever toll on your life, sense of trust, I no longer believe in the miracle of love only that I have to work my ass off for everything I have in my relationship and most days its completley unfair and few days feel like fresh air again.

    I’m sorry you’ve been taken down this path ~ I’d love to keep in touch and be a pen pal to listen to frustrations or help in any way I can.

  10. Hey Ally,
    It’s me (from Germany…still) I too fell off the blogosphere and have recently just been flicking through my google reader – saw you post – wow. Took my breath away. Once we ‘unpeel’ the chatty, witty anecdotes that are the fodder of our blogs, we discover there are real peope with real lives. You got VERY real. I am really sorry to read about your dirtbag (whoops.. did I say that aloud) I mean ex… Your heart will be fragile for as long as it needs – I wish you a smooth journey to this next stage of your life.

    Reminds me of something I read recently – ‘when one door closes, another door opens. But it sucks to be standing in the hallway’. Big cyber hugs – keep up your writing. Lx (lulusbay)

  11. lovelinest said

    I LOVE your writing style! So glad you’re writing again, and so glad you posted a link in Homeschoolers.

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