I’m aware that I’m not technically insane.  At least I’m pretty sure.  I mean I’ve never been diagnosed.  But there is nothing like marriage to make you question whether you are in fact nuts.  Then you go through a separation and let me tell you, if you didn’t think you were crazy before, nows the time.  Then heap on top of it that you’re going through a separation and living in the abode and wowza!  Nutball city.  I was reading yesterday how Courtney Cox and David Arquette are best friends.  She was saying how proud she was of him and his year of sobriety.  And then Debra Messing is currently dating her costar and living with her husband who she is separated from as they ‘transition into the next phase of their lives”.  Now I recognize that the people who release the statements have gone to school for years to properly draft the ‘right’ thing to say at times like these but it still makes me wonder.  Is it possible to have a cordial separation?  I was married to one of my best friends.  Seriously enjoyed spending time with my spouse.  We didn’t have a perfect solid marriage but the question of whether I loved him and trusted him was not in my mind at all.  I just did.  I remember back when we decided to get married, I told one of my good friends that I may not know the future but I knew to the core of my being the my soon to be spouse would never betray me.  That he would never cheat on me.  It was the one thing I was sure of.  The fact is when I made that statement he was already cheating.  Nice eh?  But in order for us to get to an amicable place and live in harmony, I’m suppose to not bring that up, not mention it.  It’s ‘digging up the past’ as it were.  Does it piss me off?  oh yes!  Do I still have questions as to why?  Why marry me if you already knew you didn’t want to?  Why agree to have the baby with me if you didn’t want to?  If you already had a kid that you didn’t want more why have another?  The questions are endless and I’ll never have answers.  For someone who loves answers this is quite hard but I KNOW that what I want is peace and I won’t get peace if I keep turning these questions over and over in my head.  So I let them alone.  BUT now after 10 years of begging someone to be “all in” in a marriage, now that I have said enough I’m walking away before he kills what’s left of my self worth NOW he wants to tell me every single thing I did wrong.  For 10 years, nothing.  Now I get to hear over and over the many things I did wrong.  Not back when I did them and I could either correct the behavior or explain the behaviour but now, when it’s just to inflict pain.  Constantly bringing up the many faults I had, the many times I said the wrong thing, the many hurts I inflicted…over and over again.  Living with this is making staving off depression almost impossible.  Even things that seem so logical and clear to me are murky now.  We as a couple make a decision to homeschool.  We pull our youngest out of public school for a year.  We both are aware that will mean sacrifices for everyone involved.  I can’t work, I can’t just run out in the day and meet for coffee.  It’s a huge commitment that we both made.  But here’s the part I don’t get.  I made that commitment believing that I would be married to my supportive TEACHER spouse who would defend the decision no matter what.  But HE made the decision knowing that he was living a lie, that at any moment his life of deceit could come to the surface and yet he still made it.  And now I have to live with the constant threat that he may not live up to his end of the bargain.  That the people in his life are telling him it’s ‘not fair’, that they can’t believe I’m not working.  So now on top of everything else guess who’s going to work nights if she has to, so that she can keep the commitment to her children.  Because I can’t back out of what I told my children, no matter what.  But  you know what’s NOT FAIR????  Having the rug pulled out from your life by a person who couldn’t tell the truth with a gun to their head.   That’s what isn’t fair.

Song for the day…

As I stumble through the first few weeks of 2012 my mind is reeling from what I can only call the “year of crazy” that follows a break down of a marriage.  This isn’t my term, it was dubbed by the great Morris after her divorce.  Now I’m not willing to go to the depth that she did to make sure the term fits (long HILARIOUS story) but I do look to her as an example as to what can happen if you just get through it.  It’s just a year.  It’s the first year and it can be a roller coaster of emotions.  It’s important not to make any life changing mistakes or you may live to regret it later.  Make sure you don’t remarry.  Sound ridiculous but a lot of people jump out of the frying pan and into the fire.  Decisions made in the first year will almost always seem sooooo right and they are often sooooo wrong.  Just make sure the mistakes are fixable and not permanent.  Tattoo – no  Shaved head – yes.  That’s all I’m saying.

So I’m dealing with something that I’m not sure how to absorb.  You know how when your life changes things become clearer?  Relationships that you thought were solid can suddenly seem very shaky.  Other relationships become stronger and yet others that seem like they were on the periphery of your life are now extremely important.  I’m very fortunate, I have amazing friends.  They have all banded together to help me through this difficult time.  I know that they have their own lives and my little problems could very easily be shoved to the side.  But for the most part that really hasn’t happened.  It makes me realize that I have some strong, true friends in my life.  There are other relationships that have fallen.  Ones that I thought were real. It’s been really sad to realize that in fact I wasn’t as important in their lives as they were in mine.  It’s all about learning I suppose.

I was going through pictures this morning with Elijah during social studies time and came across what must be the funniest picture of him I’ve ever taken.  Seriously made me giggle….Totally reminds me of Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes.  Elijah and his sock puppet.  Thank goodness for my children.  I would be a sobbing mess under my bed if not for them.

First I’m going to drink a lot of water and take a nap, but after that WATCH OUT!

This is one of those songs…

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I’m not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her?

Nobody does blind break up rage like Alanis.  Fortunately I’m not at a place of blind rage.  I don’t care if I’m replaced because I know that I’m irreplaceable.  I’ve also come to the conclusion that since this is my life and I only get one go around at it I’m going to do it 100% the way I want to do it.   If that means I lose friends and alienate people…fuck it.  I seriously do NOT care.  The best part is that I have somehow managed to fill my life with people who like me “just as I am” (bridget jones reference).

Of course there is nothing like starting a search on youtube for old tunes and ending up realizing that at one point in your life not only was Dr. Hook appropriate but that watching them now makes you question several years of your life and wondering how you got out alive.

Smear my body up with butter…good times.

It’s a Dr. Hook day here today….

I don’t know where it’s leading to, but I know I can make it if I lean on you. (this so applies to me right now)

Now back to school work with Mr. Magoo….recess is over!

I love watching this kid learn organically.  Given the opportunity they will easily cover everything they need to learn just out of curiosity.  There are days I have to say, SLOW DOWN, we don’t have to learn everything TODAY!

The upside of writing a blog for me is that I get my emotions sorted in a way that just thinking about them or talking with friends doesn’t.   Something about the thoughts in my head being ‘out there’ is like therapy for me.  I’ve unsuccessfully kept a journal before in my life I think it’s the fact that someone is ‘listening’ that keeps me writing my blog.  It’s a way to feel heard.  I don’t feel heard in my everyday life and I think this is why I love blogging.   I enjoy that fact that I’ve connected with people.  In good times and bad there are people literally all over the world who are nodding in agreement with what I say.  There are also others shaking their heads in stunned amazement, I like that idea too.  Of course what this also means is that I assume that the people in my life know things just because I’ve written it on my blog.  Nothing as embarrassing as the uncomfortable silence that is met when I say ‘oh I wrote about that on my blog’ and coming to the realization that I’m not the center of someone else’s daily internet reading experience.  The downside to all this is of course there are people who read my blog that if I think about it too long it makes me uncomfortable.   I don’t care about people in my life knowing my inner most thoughts, I really don’t.  My mother in law reads my blog and I always get a kick out of it when she embarrassingly says “I saw that on your blog”.  She used to be very shy about the fact that she read it, I think it’s awesome that she reads it quite frankly.  My mother reads my blog but now that we’re home probably not as frequently as when she was missing us and we were away.  Plus if the icon disappears from her desk top her ability to find it is gone because clearly it’s disappeared FOREVER, or until someone comes over and  puts it back.  The fact is if you KNOW me and chose to read my blog you are well aware that I’m going to say some outrageous things.  Reading on my blog isn’t going to introduce you to a new person completely different from the one you see and talk to in real life.  In fact most people who know me say when they read my blog it sounds just like I’m saying the stuff to them.  I write how I talk.  And complete strangers who read my blog is a positive.  The narcissist in me loves the idea of strangers knowing my inner most thoughts.  I like to think that there are people out there either being helped by what I write or that they are somehow an army of people “on my side” in silent camaraderie.  No the thing that kind of gives me the heebie jeebies about blogging are the people on the periphery that read it.  I’ve often wondered if my (first) ex-husband read my blog (yes I’ve had two marriages crash and burn, judge away bitches!), I doubt it because he’s one of those people that makes a big fuss about how “facebook is evil” so I’m thinking his internet usage is probably limited to bible verses and porn.  I know my current ex-to-be reads my blog but I try not to make it a “letter to the jackass” in a way that sure can be oh so tempting.  I don’t write anything because I KNOW he’s reading and I don’t NOT write something because I know he’s reading.  For awhile there was one woman who used to read my blog and then use it to threaten him so I stopped writing a lot of things thinking that I was some how ‘protecting’ him.  Then I realized that quite frankly I don’t care and if she wants to stalk and threaten him that’s her drama, not mine.  She stopped quite awhile ago but I always had the impression she was still reading.  And by impression I mean that I can tell what city people are reading my blog from and I jump to the conclusion that it’s her whenever someone from her city reads a post, it’s her.  Yes that’s unreasonable, maybe I need to start promoting my blog so that I have so many readers I don’t have time to check on individual reader stats. I also realized that I don’t live my life in secret, it’s not who I am.  I was trying to make it work after the finding out the big secret so I did delude myself into believing that I had to keep his secrets.  Then I found out about all the cheating and all that “logic” went out the window.

Now I just write what the fuck I want.  Blogging for me is about MY truth.  My life as I know it is the fricking NAME of the blog.  Yes it means I get backlash but that’s ok.  To be true to me I have to write like I live, in my own truth.  It means that I am exposing myself and my naked underbelly.  It’s a healing process for me.  It also means that if there are people out there reading my blog that make me kind of squishy on the inside at the thought of it, oh well.  The least all those peripheral people who read and judge could do is write a comment cause all us bloggers know, it’s all about the comments.

Thankfully, there is a bluntcard for every occasion!

Ok, to be fair that song doesn’t fit my situation at all…but the title TOTALLY fits when it comes to eating breakfast.  Since 2012 is going to be the most dramatic change in my entire life I might as well get a jump on it.  The problem is if I even THINK of changing a habit I turn into a teenager fighting with my adult self.  Think of healthy eating, immediately start scarfing down chocolate and chips.  Think of exercise, immediately staple my ass to the couch.  Ask me how often I get on the new and FREE rowing machine…ugh. So in order for me to break a bad habit I have to approach it VERY slowly.  The one habit that I feel I can break without stressing out endlessly over is eating breakfast.  I have never eaten breakfast.  Ok that’s not true, I love a good fry up every once in awhile and there is NOTHING like a bacon and egg feast after a night out but 99.9% of the time, I drink coffee until noon and then maybe have some lunch.  Well people, I’m 42 and my metabolism knows it.  So I’ve decided that I’m going to give it a good kick in the ass and start eating small meals throughout the day.  And here in lies the dilemma, I don’t like most breakfast foods.  I don’t even like eating fruit on an empty stomach.  So my solution is smoothies.

So I picked up some frozen fruit from Sobeys and some probiotic yogurt so I can make the smoothie thick.  I think I would like them sort of Java Juice smoothies.

Remember the wonderful blender that the last people who had this house just left because it was missing the inner ring? Well their stupidity is my gain.  I whipped it out this morning.

And voila!  A banana, blueberry with strawberry yogurt smoothie.  WAY too thick but it was very good.  Tomorrow I think I’ll have mango banana.  I’m already looking forward to it.

I’m on a contesting run right now and feel a big win coming around the corner.  This weekend I’m hoping to go spend the $75 I won for lingerie at some fancy lingerie store on the westend.  I’m hoping I don’t end up with 2 pair of panties cause everything is uber expensive.  I think a nice corset is in order.  Nothing makes a girl feel good than some fancy underthings, don’t you think?

Yesterday I saw a status on facebook the other day that made me laugh out loud.  Scary Mommy‘s status update was “If you have never once wanted to yell “SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!” to your child, I can’t relate to you in the least.”  I HOWLED….but I should have probably stopped at the status updates and NOT read the comments underneath.  There were some that just pissed me off.  Apparently a few of the posters don’t quite understand what the word “wanted” meant in that sentence.  She didn’t say you did. No need to say you’ve felt that way but you “really love litte so and so”.  She was talking to those of us who think “I would like to stick a fork in my eye to ease the pain of dealing with you right now” those of us who feel no need to preface a statement with ‘you know i love my kids but….’ Um yeah, cause for sure as soon as you said, “i almost shook the little bugger” I immediately had child services on speed dial.  Thanks for thinking that I’m not intelligent enough to know that a.  you said ALMOST and b. you don’t now hate your child and are abusing them.  I don’t use that sentence because if I say something that makes you question whether or not I love my child, dude, we’re not friends.  Cheese on bread.   Feel the need to say…’you know i love my kids’ or ‘you know i love my husband’, um no….I had no idea, clearly since we started talking I’ve had a traumatic brain injury that leaves me at a non functional level, thanks for noticing.  That bugs me almost as much as “Can I tell you honestly?”…piss off…you’re lying and if you’re not  then you’ve just told me that every other time you’re talking to me you may be lying through your teeth.

Song in my head today…

“When somebody throws sticks and stones, all they can break are your bones.” Sing it Shania!  I’ve been singing this ALL day.  Stuck in my head since 5 am.  Yes 5 am.  Try not to laugh out loud if you’re in a public place, people will look at you funny but  5 am is my new wake up and work out time.

I love this quote. I often use this quote, however I haven’t been living this quote.  In fact the most important two words in this quote for me are first time.  

But the self doubt in me keeps saying, maybe I’m being unreasonable.  Self doubt is a dangerous thing, it eats at you and unlike negative people or situations it’s a constant.  You can change the people you surround yourself with, you can change your location but you can’t change the way your brain works and the needling voice inside your head, can you?

I get it, I’m a hard ass.  I’m not the easiest person to please.  I can shut down when in a relationship trust is broken and I don’t always work as hard as I can to rebuild it.  But I think I’m going crazy in the head.  Seriously.  Who the hell does this?  Am I going crazy or am I finally seeing things from a sane place. We all do some version of this, you meet someone, get married, have children the whole kit and kaboodle.  It falls apart.  Shit happens and I understand that so I can be okay with the breakdown of a relationship, I really can.   It’s a very sad thing but it’s not the end of the world.  Well that’s not true, it’s not the end of  MY world, I’m too strong for that.   I can tell myself that maybe we weren’t compatible, maybe it moved to fast and we spent the rest of the time trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.  But now I spend a LOT of time wondering what is it about me that attracts this type of person.  I’ve been told recently that because of my actions I get what I get.  Because of the type of person I am it’s easy to treat me like this.  I’m too trusting, that it’s EASY to cheat on me because I’m too trusting.  Are you fucking kidding me?  Where is the personal responsibility to treat another human being with respect.  Where in that is the person just trying to live an honorable life?  Just because you CAN bend someone over the table means you should?  Just because someone trust you that gives you license to fuck them over?  Is that too harsh?  I’d like to believe that there are more people who live with integrity and less people who just because they can, do.

My whole adult life I’ve heard one thing over and over again.  ”you intimidate men”.  Well you know what, if I intimidate you, you aren’t the right person for me.  If my strength makes you feel weak,  move along.  If you can only feel powerful by demeaning me, fuck off.  If you can’t be a man because you don’t have the balls, it’s on YOU, not me.  I am done adjusting who I am to make men feel better about themselves.

So to the next guy….and hell ya, there will be a next guy….I’m sorry.  I’m sorry that the damage is so deep that I may hold you to a standard that isn’t quite fair.  I apologize in advance if there is an inherent sense of distrust at the beginning.  I recognize that the walls I have to put of for self preservation may be hard to transverse.  But let me tell you something, if you are strong enough, smart enough and brave enough to knock those walls I am going to work as hard I can to be on the other side of the wall swinging with a sledge hammer so that I can be with you completely.

And then the song in my head will be Lucky.