The Original Bruce/Demi/Ashton….

So today I spent a few hours at the hospital. I was visiting a sick friend.  Unfortunately she spends a lot of time in the hospital so when she told me she was going in again I thought I’d go visit her and take her some trashy mags.  I’m pretty sure all she’d be getting from her other friends and family would be bible books and scripture.  So today I stopped by the Safeway for a potted plant and a couple of ’satisfy your man in bed’ and ‘how to have an earth shattering orgasm’ magazines (you’ll see the humor of this choice in a minute) grabbed my current sock and headed off.  I don’t particularily like going to this hospital it’s the one where my dad spent a lot of time when he was sick and also where he passed away.  But I soldiered on….or limped in like a loser taking great pains not to park in the area I used to always park when I went to see him…took an alternate door to the one I took the night he died…and completely avoided looking around the area I used to frequent….see I soldiered on.

She’s on a fairly high morphine drip so I was hoping she would remember me being there, turns out they had removed the drip just today so she was fine and very happy for the company!  We chatted about the kids (she has 5!) and the husbands, we talked about our respective houses and what was new.  I asked about her recent surgery and the pain in the ass that NPO (nothing by mouth) sign was causing her and we were generally having a nice visit.  The nurse came in to give her some pain meds and at some point said ‘do you go to the same church?’ (at this point I did NOT spew out my gum and laugh uproarishly for 10 minutes…well not out loud) I said no, She is my son’s stepmother.  The nurse looked confused but said Oh! and walked behind the curtain.  (By the way, why does everyone that works in a hospital think that those curtains are made of sound proof steel and no one can hear them once they close them, including me apparently) I turned to my friend and said “well i think that sounds better than it’s my ex-husband wife”  The nurse came back looking very shocked “and said to us “wow you guys are really good friend eh?” (clearly a canadian girl) and we said yes we are….and then she said, ‘you guys are like the original bruce, demi and ashton’ Which is REALLY hilarious except of course in this scenerio I would be BRUCE! 

Get well Shannon….

I’m a little too happy.

Dishes shouldn’t make someone this happy….but in my defense I put almost 200 kilometers on the van in the last 2 days looking for them.  Debbie Travis saved my ass.

 

Note to self….

Oy Vey….when you post a comment to the Yarn Harlot and you happen to be first, perhaps you should check your latest post because your traffic is going to go way up.  All I can picture is knitters the world over spewing coffee at their screen’s or accidently dropping stitches when they ‘zip over’ to see who wrote the comment……and seeing “Penis Envy” as the welcome sign to my blog.  When people come over from other blogs, they expect a little crazy, cause come on, let’s get real if someone has me as a link on their page it’s usually quite likely that they are a little deranged in the first place, so they know what they are getting into.  I imagine that there are some pretty normal people reading the Harlot blog and I may have corrupted them just a little.  My MIL reads my blog but she already knows I’m crazy cause her son has gone really grey and lost quite a bit of hair in 5 years.  Like WAY more than what is considered normal….and the twitch he’s developed can’t be completely explained with coffee consumption, I’m just sayin’.

Now back to me.  I am trying to find the worlds best dishes.   Why is it when you decide to buy something and you think what you want is fairly simple…it ceases to exist?  I want to donate all my mix matched dishes to the garage sale at the school so in order to do that I thought it was the perfect time to get a new set of dishes.  I’m not being picky either, I just want white or robin’s egg blue dishes with no pattern.  I want the bowl to be a real bowl that holds ice cream and cereal and not a “low bowl” that holds crap.  I’ve been to every store in the city (and dammit this is a big city) and I have found NOTHING.  Today is the last day I’m searching because the garage sale is tomorrow.  So I should stumble across the perfect set on Sunday….Oh and I suppose in the interest of honesty I have found the set I want at Crate & Barrel but since shipping to Canada is apparently like shipping to Siberia….it’s not going happen.

Penis envy

This is just sad. I have the knitters equivalent to a small penis. My stash is sadly very very small. How did I not know this! I guess because my stash was never in one place before I thought it was adequate in size but then we moved. I put some here and some there and never really put it all together. Then last week I went shopping for some bins to hold my stash at Ikea. I bought 4 midsize clear bins because a. I was with someone and didn’t want to admit I may need more and b. I wasn’t a 100% sure that I would like the bins and didn’t want to have to bring 10 of them back. No biggie, Ikea is very close to me, I can go back, right? So I started to divide up my stash, sock yarn in one bin, wool and cotton in another, WIP in a third and acrylic for the girl to knit with in the fourth. I scoured the house looking for all my bits and bites of yarn. I knew I wouldn’t get the pics done in time for Flash your Stash but I would finally be organized! What didn’t fit in these four measly bins would be in bags and I would dutifully go to Ikea this week and get as many more bins as I needed….unless….what the HELL?!?!?!??! I didn’t even have enough to fill these 4 paultry bins! I have sadly misjudged my stash. I do not have enough yarn. Sleeping wasn’t an option, I have NO YARN. Eating felt hollow and the children no longer bring me joy. I NEED MORE YARN. The only thing that brought me any solace was the gift certificate that I’ve saved as a reward for when I got my stash together. Thank god I can go get more yarn….. I’m clearly suffering here. hold me.

 

A meme! A meme!

 I have no idea what a fucking meme is but since this is what it was called on another blog I’m going to pretend I know that the hell it is and play along

AnitM tagged me and so here are my 8 Random Things meme.

1.Every member of my paternal family has a freaky little toe.  It’s all curled over and has a weird nail.  From my Grandfather on down, we all have it….your children not having it means your spouse cheated on you…there is no other explaination.

2. My maiden name is Cupid and yes, I hate the song “Stupid Cupid” or Cupid by Sam Cooke.  I also hate the Rudolf the Red-nose reindeer song and any other song you can think of that people butcher upon hearing my maiden name. 

3. My grade 5 teacher was a flaming queen who made me a life long lover of musical theatre.

4. I learnt to drive a standard with a girl named Leslie while we smoked dope at Deifenbaker hill in Saskatoon.

5. I once stalked JFK jr. in New York with my girlfriend. We sat outside his brownstone until he rode up on his bike.

6. I told Michael Moriaty that he was “god-like” in Central Park. (I had been out in the sun for too long doing number 5.)

7. When a girl I knew growing up made fun of my “big black people nose” I bet her that I could stick more pussy willows up my nose than she could, she took the bet and went first, ending up in the emergency room to have them dislodge from her stupid blonde head.  I was 7.

8. I made my family change my name at age 3, they had gotten it wrong. Silly people fought me for MONTHS before finally giving in and changing my name.

Finally pics of my SUPER DUPER Bounty!

Okay, I’m having a hard time posting today.  Several interruptions called life…but here is a picture of the amazing secret pal gift that I received!  I’ve already had a bath with one of the fizzy hearts….mmmm.  It was all for ME! Imagine how much that meant to me, I’ve been having such a rough time lately and to receive this was just aces….really.  Thank you so much.  I’m going to make the FAT FREE brownies tonight and I’m not sharing them with anyone…..

Humor

I KNOW I have a weird sense of humor, there is no need to alarmed…..but seriously dudes, these two are funny as hell.

A Package!!!! A Package!!!!

And no, I don’t mean the kind in the Ymca mens room either….I have a package at the post office I can’t WAIT to pick it up! more later….

Aunty M Aunty M…

Okay a little flash back there…. I’m actually inspired some days. Today is a Judy Garland day, okay not really. My REAL inspiration for the post comes from my bestest blogging friend Marin of AntiM and the Rickety Blog (hence the Wizard of Oz reference) The other day during one of her blog posts she listed some search terms people use to find their way to her blog! So I thought “wow, someone has too much time on her hands” and went about my very busy life. I have WAY too much of an interesting life to resort to this sort of tomfoolery. Did you not see the blog from Tuesday? There was knitting mentioned, there was penises (peni?) mentioned. I’m CLEARLY much more ‘with it’ that the lovely  albeit completely boring Marin (shut up it’s MY fantasy life)…..and then I started wondering ‘what do people search for when they end up here’ and here people is where the whole things comes off the rails.  Here’s what’s come up lately……

jlo’s natural hair morning (I assume I wrote about my love of natural hair, how the hell JLO got into it, I have no idea)
hip mom (natch)
allison sim, blog (I have a stalker! I have a stalker! I’ve decided that said stalker is Lenny Kravitz….he wants me, I know it, he knows it.  Hi Lenny!)
naked hip pack (I can’t imagine why those things go together)
gauge simple knitted bodice (oh lord, if they knew how off my gauge was on my SKB they would run away from my blog screaming like a little girl)
cooking mama nintendo ds front cover (what?)
pandora charms edmonton (I do love me some pandora charms)
“patrick swayze” edmonton christmas (nobody puts baby in the corner!)

I also found out that she has a lot of readers. I do not. I have several. I think people come by to giggle at me, similar to the surpressed giggles I tend to get at car accidents and funerals (don’t ask). But she’s still my imaginary best blog buddy and someday I’m going to go and meet her and drink beer and explain to her the secret to making friends as an adult. I know the secret, I’m just keeping it from her so she’ll still hang out here.

Is that a pen in your pocket?

There are times when I think I’m very special (not in a big yellow bus kind of way) and then there are times like today when I believe that in order to successful navigate through my life God (0r the Goddess whatever) thinks that playing with my life would be fun.

Today was the later. I had a bad day yesterday. Not the whole day but parts of it, I was feeling very sorry for myself. Very Eeyore-ish. So as I slugged through the day, I wasn’t very nice to people, I fantasized about drinking large amounts of alcohol by 10 in the morning and then it was time for N’s swimming lessons. I packed up my bag of knitting and off we went. She was being particular adorable…all scared of her very first swimming lesson. So instead of being a huge bitch (which admittedly I had been ALL day) I walked her to the edge of the pool and showed her where to wait for her instructor. I then turned to go find the observation seats so I could sit and knit for the 1/2 hour that the class was in. I was grumpy, I was tired, I was thinking of other things….and I walked right into the men’s change room.

Now in most swimming pools as you know the last thing you do before you go in the pool is take a shower. So the Ymca in their infinite wisdom has their showers RIGHT when you walk in the from the pool. Now I’m sure the man who was having a shower was just as shocked as I was and I’m sure that in his version of the story I was a stunning blonde a la the penthouse forum but in reality I just gasped like I’d never seen a penis before and he didn’t even have the chance to cover his ‘johnson’.

Later my girlfriend asked me if I saw him leaving and to be honest he could have come up to me right after and I wouldn’t have known him from Adam…but I think he may have been a burnette.